An Appeal to Calmer Sensibilities

      Dad,

      I’m sure when you read this, Mom will have told you I did something bad. Before raw emotion takes over, I thought you should review the facts.

      Fact #1: You approved the purchase of the blowgun

      If I knew better, it’d take your job away, and I would never do that. I believe deep down you allowed me to order the blowgun with my lawn-mowing money so you could teach me a lesson about self-control. Good job on this one, Dad. I’ve already learned a lot of self-control; no need for more self-control lessons here.

      Fact #2: Mom’s prone to hysteria

      While Mom was peacefully washing dishes when this started, she’s shown a tendency towards the dramatic in the past. Remember when I skinned that mink in the basement? How was I supposed to know they have glands like a skunk (they’re even in the same family—who knew?). When you got home, Mom began yelling, “Your son stunk up the entire house, and now we can’t live here anymore.” Ha! It only took a week for the smell to clear, and a month for the shower not to revive it to full potency. A far cry from forever. So when Mom tells you I shot her in the butt with my blowgun on purpose, I feel you need to consider her tendency to exaggerate.

      Fact #3: I used a stun dart

      Despite Mom’s claims, and the welt she’ll undoubtedly show you, it was only a stun dart (basically a flying Lego block) that struck her. I couldn’t get the dart as evidence. Mom appeared pretty upset, and I thought it best she calm down. To avoid a misunderstanding, I ran out the back door and into the woods. Mom grabbing a frying pan had nothing to do with my quick exit, and I maintain it was a maneuver to avoid her misplaced anger and keep the peace. You’re welcome, Dad.

      Fact #4: My sisters are known storytellers

      The girls are going to tell you this was intentional, and though I’m their big brother, I have to tell the truth: I’ve found their character to be shady at best. Annie, for example, says I told her the Mackinac Bridge was about to collapse while we were driving over it, which is crazy, because I just pointed out that it was a possibility, not a certainty. Her statements on important matters cannot be taken seriously. I also have reason to believe Savannah has planted contraband in my room at least once. There is no other logical explanation for why I would have a second slingshot hidden in my dresser after you made your feelings clear on the first one. Dad, that’s just illogical.

      Fact #5: I’m committed to a peaceful resolution

      As my family has ganged up on me, I have decided to stay in my secret fort in the woods until things calm down. I’ve left you this note so when you get home from work you can review the facts of the case. When you are ready for a level-headed conversation, please blink the flashlight twice in a northerly direction, and I’ll be along shortly. I’m counting on you to act in good faith and not just blink the light so I come out. That would be unbecoming of a man of your integrity. As an aside, I would appreciate it if you could expedite this matter and calm down quickly. I only have one can of tuna fish in the fort and no lights. Not that I’m afraid of the dark—ha! It’s just that there have been a number of loud noises out here recently, and I never got around to installing the perimeter alarm, which I realize now was a mistake.

Your son,

Lucas